Helpdesk etiquette

Follow these simple rules for an altogether better life and better relationship with your local helpdesk.

• Try to help yourself. If the screen is showing an error, read that error aloud to yourself and try to make sense of it.
  e.g. "The connection has been lost, please close the program and try again", surely this is self explanatory and should not need a call to us. All we will tell you is exactly what it says on the screen.
• A lot of helpdesks will have spent at least some time helping you to help youself, ie. in the implementation of automatic programs that will allow you to unlock accounts and be reminded of forgotten passwords. Use these programs, it will make you look more competent and will save you being cussed out by us every time you call because you have forgotten your password.
• Don't drone on. If you've forgotten your password, say that you have forgotten your password. We don't need to know that you have been off for 6 weeks with a hernia and that you're hamster died and you got in late to work because the bus soaked you with water.
• Don't pester us. If we log a fault, we will tell you approximately how long it is going to take us to fix it. If you call every 5 minutes to check how we are progressing, that is obviously slowing us down, as we could be working on your fault instead of having to keep answering the telephone to tell you that we're still working on it!
• Don't get arsey with us. If it's been 2 hours and we still cannot figure out why your computer crashes every 20 minutes, but we are working on it, getting angry and shouting will not make get it fixed any quicker. In fact, it will probably incline us to do a half assed job and take 4 times a long.
• Don't be petty. We don't class 'the blue writing on my screen has changed to black' as an urgent fault, and we will not treat it as such. If you can't get it to go back to its usual colour, live with it until we have finished with the more important things.
• Listen. When you call, if there is a known problem, ie. a server outage, we will usually put a recorded message on the line when you call our number telling you of any current incidents. If we spend the time recording this message and you decide to ignore it, don't expect a nice response when you ask us 'Is the email server down?' You'll be added to our fuckwit list.
• We don't do it on purpose. It must be you. No matter what you think, we do not have a system in place that automatically changes your password without you knowing about it. We're not so sad as to actually want you to call us. Face facts, you forgot your password.
  
• We have a mostly thankless job. I can count on my one hand how many times in a day I fix something for somebody and they actually say those two little words, Thank & You. Don't make it worse by pressurising us, we have many ways of making your job harder. That isn't a threat, its a promise. ;)
• Read. If we send out a memo, or an email with instructions on how to do something new or differently, read them thoroughly. If you don't get it, read them again, and again, and then slower. Try to get to grips with it. Don't pick up the piece of paper, skim the page, try to do it and then call us immediately saying 'I don't understand it'. It pisses us off. It wastes our time and frankly, it doesn't make us very happy at all. Plus, we'll think you're dumb, and you'll also end up on the fuckwit list.
• Don't eat in my ear. I'm taking control of your computer, you don't have to do anything with your hands, that doesn't mean you should open a bag of crisps and start to chomp them as loudly as you can. I'm trying to work here.
• You aren't always right, else you wouldnt need our help. If we tell you something, take it as gospel. If we tell you that something is not supported by us, or outside our remit, or supported by somebody else, believe us. Don't say 'Well, Billy-bob had his fixed by you last week' Billy-bob is a liar. We do this every day of our working lives. For example, if we tell you that we don't fix the company fax machines, but, here is the number for the people who do.. *we don't fix the company fax machines* end of story. Why would I spend my time reeling off all that information just to fob you off?
• We aren't directory enquiries. Yes, we're the helpdesk, no, I don't know Sharon in finance's number. Get off your ass and go see her or email her.
• On a similar note, we aren't a training department. You don't know how to create a formula in your excel spreadsheet to add up one column then divide by the adjacent column? Not our fault. If you don't know how to use it, you shouldn't be using it.
• Only a few people will get special treatment from us, and they all have 'Director' in their job title. The line 'But I'm a team leader' won't get you anywhere. Damn, even the 'Manager' title is way overused these days, so that won't get you anywhere. (In fact, where I work about 50% of the workforce have the word 'manager' in their job title).
  Unless treating your fault like everybody elses is going to cost us our jobs, your fault will be treated like everybody elses. Deal with it. It's only fair.
• Be sensible. If you have a problem with your laptop computer, don't call us expecting help whilst your laptop is in the boot of your car and you're doing 85mph down the M1. It just ain't gonna work. Chill out, put on the radio and sing out loud to Alanis Morrissette. Get home, make yourself a cup of tea, sit down in front of your laptop and then call us.