Moved

I've decided to move to Wordpress.com, because...

http://testedpatience.wordpress.com

No gratitude

Caller: "So that's all fixed now then?"

Me: "That's correct sir"

C: "OK, I'll call you back if I have any more problems, bye"

M: "Thank you"

This is the final dialogue of 75% of the calls that I take in a day.
Do these people have so little faith in the support system that they believe that they do not need to provide a 'thank you' as they will surely be making another call soon enough because either my support was second rate or there will be another issue that they will have to call the helpdesk for?

Golden rule, thank your helpdesk, they honestly do remember it. Even in a corporation with 12000+ employees, I can vouch for that.

Critical

Caller: "My laptop is coming up with an error message, 'Critical Battery, Please connect to ..something..power'

So that'll be plug it in then...

Losing my faith

Secretary to a departmental Director calls up;

Secretary: Jim would like to Anthony to be able to access his email. Can you set that up?

Me: It can be done, the easiest way is for Jim to add Anthony as a delegate from his Outlook.

S: How?

M: Simple, Tools > Options > Delegates & then press Add and find Anthony in the address book.
S: Oh. He won't want to do that. Can you send someone up to do it?

M: It really is simple...

S: I'll call IT in our building and get them to come up.

This really pissed me off.
Multiple reasons;
1) It's so simple. You don't need to drag somebody from the 1st to the 7th floor to do this. It's a waste of resources, totally.
2) This director is getting paid vast sums of money, and he obviously thinks that he is above calling the helpdesk, nevermind actually doing something towards this task. Pay me £100,000 a year and I'll be everything this guy is and more, and I won't need a secretary, thus saving the company £20,000 or whatever they get paid.
3) The secretaries to the directors are always so jumped up. The word No is not in their vocabulary and if you use that word, or any variant, to answer any of their requests, it usually is totally ignored or they think that you have blasphemed.
As far as I am concerned, I'm not bending over backwards for somebody that can't even be bothered to make the phone call personally. Deal with it.

We just want to be loved

Continuing on from a point in my previous post,
the security systems that change your passwords unbeknownced to you.

It's a well known insider fact that this is not the truth,
an average user, within my company anyway, will have to have a new password generated by an administrator for at least one of the systems that they use at least once a week.

However, other than when a password expires, as per audit requirements, how come these systems don't randomly 'forget' or 'change' my passwords?
And what's more, I have over 30 different combinations, one (or more) for each different system that I administer.

But still, users will always blame the authentication system.
"The computer has forgotten my password"
"It won't take my password"
"When I type it in, it won't recognise it"

OK, there is a potential for corruption. It can happen.
But on such a grand scale?

An example that I had the other week, one lady claimed that her username/password combinations for three seperate systems was miraculously not working on a daily basis and had to call us each and every day to have all three reset.
Bear in mind that these applications are completely redundant from one another, one was AS/400 based, one IBM Mainframe and the last was her Windows logon.
There is absolutely no possibilities whatsoever of corruption occuring for all three at exactly the same time, every 24 hours, I'm sure you will agree.

But still, to this day (even though the issue has amazingly cleared up) she maintains that she was keying in the correct passwords.

Which we know is a lie...

Helpdesk etiquette

Follow these simple rules for an altogether better life and better relationship with your local helpdesk.

• Try to help yourself. If the screen is showing an error, read that error aloud to yourself and try to make sense of it.
  e.g. "The connection has been lost, please close the program and try again", surely this is self explanatory and should not need a call to us. All we will tell you is exactly what it says on the screen.
• A lot of helpdesks will have spent at least some time helping you to help youself, ie. in the implementation of automatic programs that will allow you to unlock accounts and be reminded of forgotten passwords. Use these programs, it will make you look more competent and will save you being cussed out by us every time you call because you have forgotten your password.
• Don't drone on. If you've forgotten your password, say that you have forgotten your password. We don't need to know that you have been off for 6 weeks with a hernia and that you're hamster died and you got in late to work because the bus soaked you with water.
• Don't pester us. If we log a fault, we will tell you approximately how long it is going to take us to fix it. If you call every 5 minutes to check how we are progressing, that is obviously slowing us down, as we could be working on your fault instead of having to keep answering the telephone to tell you that we're still working on it!
• Don't get arsey with us. If it's been 2 hours and we still cannot figure out why your computer crashes every 20 minutes, but we are working on it, getting angry and shouting will not make get it fixed any quicker. In fact, it will probably incline us to do a half assed job and take 4 times a long.
• Don't be petty. We don't class 'the blue writing on my screen has changed to black' as an urgent fault, and we will not treat it as such. If you can't get it to go back to its usual colour, live with it until we have finished with the more important things.
• Listen. When you call, if there is a known problem, ie. a server outage, we will usually put a recorded message on the line when you call our number telling you of any current incidents. If we spend the time recording this message and you decide to ignore it, don't expect a nice response when you ask us 'Is the email server down?' You'll be added to our fuckwit list.
• We don't do it on purpose. It must be you. No matter what you think, we do not have a system in place that automatically changes your password without you knowing about it. We're not so sad as to actually want you to call us. Face facts, you forgot your password.
  
• We have a mostly thankless job. I can count on my one hand how many times in a day I fix something for somebody and they actually say those two little words, Thank & You. Don't make it worse by pressurising us, we have many ways of making your job harder. That isn't a threat, its a promise. ;)
• Read. If we send out a memo, or an email with instructions on how to do something new or differently, read them thoroughly. If you don't get it, read them again, and again, and then slower. Try to get to grips with it. Don't pick up the piece of paper, skim the page, try to do it and then call us immediately saying 'I don't understand it'. It pisses us off. It wastes our time and frankly, it doesn't make us very happy at all. Plus, we'll think you're dumb, and you'll also end up on the fuckwit list.
• Don't eat in my ear. I'm taking control of your computer, you don't have to do anything with your hands, that doesn't mean you should open a bag of crisps and start to chomp them as loudly as you can. I'm trying to work here.
• You aren't always right, else you wouldnt need our help. If we tell you something, take it as gospel. If we tell you that something is not supported by us, or outside our remit, or supported by somebody else, believe us. Don't say 'Well, Billy-bob had his fixed by you last week' Billy-bob is a liar. We do this every day of our working lives. For example, if we tell you that we don't fix the company fax machines, but, here is the number for the people who do.. *we don't fix the company fax machines* end of story. Why would I spend my time reeling off all that information just to fob you off?
• We aren't directory enquiries. Yes, we're the helpdesk, no, I don't know Sharon in finance's number. Get off your ass and go see her or email her.
• On a similar note, we aren't a training department. You don't know how to create a formula in your excel spreadsheet to add up one column then divide by the adjacent column? Not our fault. If you don't know how to use it, you shouldn't be using it.
• Only a few people will get special treatment from us, and they all have 'Director' in their job title. The line 'But I'm a team leader' won't get you anywhere. Damn, even the 'Manager' title is way overused these days, so that won't get you anywhere. (In fact, where I work about 50% of the workforce have the word 'manager' in their job title).
  Unless treating your fault like everybody elses is going to cost us our jobs, your fault will be treated like everybody elses. Deal with it. It's only fair.
• Be sensible. If you have a problem with your laptop computer, don't call us expecting help whilst your laptop is in the boot of your car and you're doing 85mph down the M1. It just ain't gonna work. Chill out, put on the radio and sing out loud to Alanis Morrissette. Get home, make yourself a cup of tea, sit down in front of your laptop and then call us.

OK, I'm now going to take over your brain..

..and live your life for you.

User: I'm having a problem getting into XX Application

Tech: What kind of problem?

U: It's asking me for a new password, says mine has expired

T: OK? And...how can I help with that?

U: Well, I can't think of a new password

Somebody somewhere doesn't like me

The company that I work for licenses out software for other companies to use so that they can send sales through to us using simple software, thus eradicating the need to call us and send us the information.

We spend many hours creating documentation for the people who install this software on the client machines. We also run training courses on how to install this software on the client machines.

So why is it then, that there are some (though I need to stress, not the majority) people who don't listen in the training course and then don't read the infopacks that we send to them, and think it to be perfectly acceptable to get to the installation and call us to walk them through it step by step?

This really gets my goat and takes up a lot of my time, time that could be spent on the many other far more important things that I have to do in a day.

Some english lessons needed

Tech: Ok, I need you to type this in the URL box for me

User: Ok

T: https-colon-

U: What's that?

T: A colon?

U: Sorry, I'm not computer literate at all, can you tell me what a colon is?

Nothing at all

Did people get dumber at the turn of 2006?

I swear it's true. People are stupider this year.

User: 'I was going through the screens as usual, then an error came up'

Tech: 'What did the error screen say?'

U: 'It didn't say anything, it was just like one of those screens that say error'

T: 'Did it have a description of the error after it?'

U: 'No, it said nothing at all'

T: 'So it just said the word 'error''?

U: 'No, it said nothing. Nothing at all'

Can anybody else make any sense of this at all? I'm failing miserably.